05 Aug How to Manifest Love “The Invisible Matrimonial Agent”
by Dr. Frederick Bailes
Let Yourself Be Loved
No TRAGEDY IS QUITE SO POIGNANT AS THAT OF THE WOMAN who is denied the fulfillment of her life through love and the making of a home. Love may be to some men a thing apan, but the poet spoke truth when he declared “it is woman’s whole existence.” To be passed by when men are seeking wives is not only a blow to a woman’s pride; it is a cruel starvation of her deepest instincts. During my years of interviewing thousands of men and women, I believe that the most tragic have been those attractive, sincere, warmhearted women who have failed to draw lasting love into their lives. They would gladly pour all of their rich femininity into the life of some man; yet they seem doomed to an unattached life of loneliness.
Miss Reejeck was a schoolteacher, graduate of an excellent university. At twenty-seven she was an attractive brunette, with the face and figure of a model. She went for outdoor sports, enjoyed good music, loved to cook, and had strong maternal instincts. Very sincere, well-poised, gracious, she could have inspired any man on his way to the top.
“What is the matter with me?” she asked. “I know that I am not actually repulsive. I dance well, I’m not a gold-digger; yet my dates never get to the point of real seriousness. I get many propositions but no proposals. I have done more wrestling in cars than is done on television, but men drop me when they find out that I don’t play that way. My two younger sisters are both happily married, although even they will admit that I present a better appearance.
“I’ve almost decided that if marriage is not for me I might as well play around on my dates as so many of my friends do. But this is not what I want. My parents have had a beautiful home life. Why can’t I have the same fine, clean, decent experience?”
We Reject Ourselves, Then Blame Others
Miss Reejeck is typical of many. Some are older, less attractive, but most of them are women of excellent quality who would be a source of comfort and joy to most men.
They are usually surprised when I say: “The men are not passing you by. It is you yourself who are keeping them from seriously considering you. No one but you can change this situation, and changing it is quite within your power.”
Rejection is one of the parent thoughts buried deep-est in the race mind. It becomes active in people’s lives in different ways. Very often it starts with some misunderstanding in childhood.
Correction and chiding are often necessary in the training of a child. The sensitive child sometimes misunderstands this. The expressions of disapproval on the parents’ faces, the words of rebuke, the spanking, set up a fear in the child’s mind that the parents have withdrawn from her, that they have pushed her out of their love. The more sensitive the child, the deeper the groove cut in her thinking. Unconsciously she comes to see rejection in the childish hostile attitudes of her playmates, in the stern censure of her teachers. Gradually it develops into a strong-running stream in the deeper levels of her thought life. It has become an actively operating parent thought.
Years pass; the original experience is forgotten; yet “the melody lingers on.” Constantly rising from the cellar of her mind is the feeling that she is not wanted, that people do not approve of her, that she is not attractive, that her gifts and good qualities are very ordinary. Sometimes she struggles to excel. She may become proficient in scholarship, athletics, or the arts. But such external excellences are not so deeply rooted as her unconscious feelings of rejection. The young woman is puzzled at her failure to achieve an inner sense of oneness with others.
The Mysterious Feeling of Unworthiness
The belief in rejection is coupled with an inexplicable feeling of unworthiness. Unless it is healed, she marries beneath her level; or if on her own level, she is plagued by the constant fear of losing her husband’s love. This fear can lead into an unreasonable jealousy which of itself is sufficient to make her fears come true. In the business world it leads to loss of the job.
This feeling of rejection can be born out of ridiculously insignificant Items. Miss Reejeck thought that it might be traced back to a bathing suit. When she was four years old her little cousin went with the family to the beach. The parents took along an extra bathing suit; it was an old one that was faded and torn. When they got to the beach, they gave the nice suit to her cousin and forced their daughter to use the ugly suit. She said that she cried herself to sleep that night because she thought her parents didn’t love her any more. To our mature minds this was ridiculous, we must remember that to the young child it was quite logical.
We cannot always trace the origin of our false concepts. But we may be assured that sometime, somewhere, there is always a beginning to disordered thought patterns.
The psychologist might encourage the person to live through the original experience, meanwhile laughing at it from the exalted point of view of adulthood. This is sometimes helpful. But I usually suggest a different procedure.
Knowing that the basic parent thoughts are the cause of all negative experience, I explained to Miss Reejeck that her life had been lived under the compulsion of a lie. Neither her parents, her playmates, nor her teachers had had any desire to reject her. She had misinterpreted their attitudes and her life had been lived in a totally false belief. This lie upon which she had acted had kept her from life’s fulfillment.
But the false belief had been kept alive only by her faith in it. She could destroy it “But I’ve tried all this,” she objected. “I’ve told myself that I am attractive. I’ve measured myself against other girls. I’ve tried to convince myself that there is no reason why I should not draw the love they have drawn. But it has not done any good.”
“Suppose we shift the emphasis a little,” I replied. “I believe that only two changes are necessary. First, we shall start from a different basis, and second, we shall introduce a new and different power-factor into the situation.
Love Thinks First of the Other Person
“Marriage is a two-way contract. We get and we give. Perhaps your thought has been too much on what would get. Many salesmen never succeed until they move beyond this point. It is right that their minds should be on the commission they will receive, but a man becomes a real salesman only when he bases his proposition on a decided benefit to his prospect.
“We can pass by the enumeration of your good points. You are already aware of them. But suppose we think of the ways in which your particular sort of girl can meet the needs of some particular sort of man.
“Marriage is not only the coming together of a man and a woman. It is a blending of two personalities unit.So dovetailed into each other that they make a perfect unit. That which he lacks, you have. That which you lack, together he has.
“Hours, months and years are to be spent which the sex element will be far in the background. In a perfect marriage, two personalities are held together by the unconscious amalgam of an unseen and of the unconscious communion of the soul.
But so long as one of the partners, clings to a deep-seated acceptance of rejection, this communion cannot be. And the insecure partner would be destroying the marriage while striving to maintain it.
“Let us say that you have made a profile of yourself. You have taken yourself just as you are. You have not exaggerated your charm nor toned down your less desirable points. You have looked yourself squarely in the face and decided that you are neither saint nor sinner. You are just you, a combination of the good and the bad.
“Now somewhere there is a man who has always held an ideal of the sort of girl he would like to marry, just as you have an ideal of the man you would like. This man has met many girls. He has been interested in some of them, but never enough to marry. His ideal picture has not yet appeared.
“You are that girl. You are no better nor any worse than others he has met. But you fit the partly unconscious picture he has always held. You might reproduce in his mind his own mother or some schoolteacher he adored when he was six years old, for often men marry an early image of desirability.
“In a very real sense, you are the only person who can ever completely fulfill life for him. If he becomes discouraged waiting for that certain girl to come along, he might decide to marry anyway; but that girl will never completely fill the bill for him. He might remain faithful to her for fifty years, but she will never have met his deepest need. Only you can do that, not because you are more gifted or attractive, but because what you are inside dovetails exactly with what he is inside, in some subtle, elusive manner or by some intangible quality of mind and soul.
“This man needs you, wants you, wishes he could find you. You need no tricks to ‘catch’ him, no schemes to hold him. In one sense we might say that your marriage has already been made in heaven, even though it is the fashion to sneer at the phrase.
“Think of the peace of mind, the deepest satisfactions, the feeling of fulfillment you alone can bring to him, apart altogether from the physical side of marriage. Think of the new interest in his work, the plans and ideals for the family that grip a man who otherwise might drift along in a humdrum career. This is what you give while you are getting the rewards of his companionship.”
The Best Comes to Those Who Believe in It
“Yes,” she replied, “but aren’t you picturing the ideal situation? This is the kind of marriage one reads about in a novel. How often do you find it in real life? I have reached the stage where I believe that I would be satisfied with half a loaf.”
“You don’t have to be satisfied with anything less than the best. But there is one condition: you have to believe that you can have the best. You have to cultivate the belief that in this two-way contract called marriage you and you alone are the person who can bring fulfillment to this man.
“Deliberately close your ears to everything you may hear about ‘getting your man,’ about the women outnumbering the desirable men, about the difficulty of holding a man once you have him.
Ignore the hundred and one cliches that women utter. These may all be true for those who speak them, because that is what they believe. You, however, refuse to believe in them; therefore, they have no power to operate in your love life.”
The Invisible Matrimonial Agent
“Now for the new power factor in the situation. Your ideal for marriage did not originate in you. The Infinite Mind streaming through you carries all levels of pictures. Your particular degree of sensitiveness has failed to catch the grosser levels; you have caught the finer levels. This is one reason why you have not brought yourself to the point of playing around with love. That same level, registered by some man, has made him reluctant to tie his life to those he has so far met.
“God is the perfect Knower. He knows where you are and where a man of like caliber is. He knows how to unite gross with gross, and fine with fine, for His Law side is forever bringing together that which is in harmony and separating that which is not harmonious. There is not the slightest reason why He would put this ideal within you and then mock you. It is there because the Knower wants to see it fulfilled.”
We prayed together and I suggested that she use a daily prayer treatment. It ran something like this:
I know that I have believed a lie in thinking that I was ever rejected by anyone. I know that I am greatly desired by the type of man who would fill my ideals. I know that he will never find true and lasting happiness until he finds it in me. He needs me just as truly as I need him. Neither one confers a one-sided benefit upon the other. Each gives and each gets.
The Infinite Knower knows where each of us is today. He is even now moving us across the chessboard of life so that we shall meet, and we shall recognize one another. I let go of all my tenseness, relinquishing the entire responsibility for the meeting to the Infinite Knower. I know that we shall know each when we meet; that I am not in competition with anyone else for this man, and he is not in competition with anyone else for me.
He needs me, wants me, loves me, and all these emotions are returned by me. I release this whole situation to the Infinite Knower, giving thanks for its completion now, even before I see its manifestation.
Several months went by. She had several dates, none of which was satisfactory. She wavered a bit, but clung to her new-found attitude toward her problem. She said that she had released it all to the Infinite Mind, and that this had brought her a deep sense of inward serenity.
One day she was dining near the school with another teacher before going to some evening classes. A tall blond man seated nearby asked for directions to a certain theatre; he wanted to see a particular picture. The directions were somewhat complicated; this led to considerable discussion. He presented his card, said he had recently arrived from Sweden to go into business here, and asked if they would think him forward if he invited them to accompany him to see the picture. They were not too interested in the lecture they had intended hearing, so the trio set off for the theatre.
It has turned out beautifully. Her tall brunetteness matches his tall blondness; their tastes and ideals are similar. He has taught her to ski. Their auburn-haired daughter is almost two years old, and they have a home in which harmony reigns. I asked her if she had any feeling that he had done her a favor by taking her off the market. She laughed and said that he had picked up one Americanism of which he seemed to be particularly fond. It was “Baby, where have you been all my life?”
Dr. Frederick Bailes gave weekly lectures to capacity audiences in Los Angeles and was well known for his twice-weekly radio broadcasts. He is also the author of Your Mind Can Heal You; Basic Principles of the Science of Mind; The Healing Power of Balanced Emotions; and Collected Essays of Frederick Bailes.
In his book Your Mind Can Heal You he gives a seven step approach to spiritual mind treatment. It starts, he says, “with the fundamental truth that the person for whom we are treating is a perfect idea in the Mind of God, and our whole procedure during a treatment is intended to remove from our own mind any idea or picture of imperfection or sickness.” Here are the seven “R’s” that Bailes suggests:
Relaxation: We assume a position that assures physical relaxation and a quiet mind.
Recognition: We recognize that we are not speaking into a void. We are surrounded by the Creative Mind of the universe, which receives our thought embodied in our words and sets to work to carry it out into material form.
Relationship: We consciously unify with the Creative Mind, knowing that we ourselves, the person treated for, and this Mind are all one. There can never be any separation between them.
Reasoning: To arrive at this inner certainty, we have to dissolve all doubts. We go through a process of reasoning to arrive at this certainty.
Realization: Once we have arrived at the point where we realize the inner perfection of the one being treated for, we shall know it, because we shall have arrived at a place of quiet, calm assurance.
Release: We are not responsible for the outcome of the treatment. Our only responsibility is to build a clear picture in our mind of the perfection of ourselves and the one being treated for, and to remove all doubts about that perfection. We now release this picture to the Creative Mind.
Rejoice: We give thanks for the success of our treatment, not to influence how Mind works but to confirm our belief that the entire situation is resolved in exactly the right and ideal way.